Who Are You?
by raconteurr
Summary: When Garrus acts rashly to kill Sidonis, Shepard fears what is on the turian's mind. As time passes, Shepard realizes she could lose Garrus - and even herself - entirely if she doesn't intervene in his increasingly brash behavior. Could become M rated.
1. Chapter 1

"You're in my shot. Move to the side."

Jane Shepard winced at the menace in Garrus' voice. She stood in the middle of the wards on the Citadel, in front of a turian who Garrus had every reason to hate. She was in her full gear, weapons and all, but the man in front of her was in civilian clothes, completely unarmed, just like most of the people in the wards. Usually she felt fine as she walked through the Citadel; hell, even on the presidium she didn't feel out of place.

But today was different. When Garrus asked her to help him kill Sidonis, she agreed because it would help him close the door on a section of his life that tormented him every day. She knew how Garrus felt because she had done the same thing with the things of her past. After Akuze, Shepard was haunted by all the things she could have done differently. She found ways to close those doors, and now she thought that's what she was doing for Garrus.

It felt wrong, though. She felt out of place, felt like she shouldn't be there. The turian looking through that scope in the overhang was too blinded by hatred and anger to see what he was really doing. She was beginning to wonder if agreeing to help Garrus to kill Sidonis was the right choice at all. Even though she knew how important this was to him, she also knew that if Garrus was thinking rationally he would not instantly jump to killing Sidonis as his only option for avenging his dead team. Garrus wanted justice, and that wasn't what this was: it was pure, cold-blooded revenge.

Shepard sighed and said a silent prayer that Garrus wouldn't hate her for her next move.

"Listen, Sidonis," she began, "I'm here to help you."

The casually dressed turian standing in front of her glanced around with fear-glazed eyes before his gaze focused back on her. "Please, don't ever say that name aloud..."

Shepard nodded slightly before continuing. "I'm a friend of Garrus'..." Shepard could instantly tell the moment she began talking to Sidonis that Garrus was furious. The comm line had gone eerily quiet compared to the barked orders that had filled the line before. It was too late now, though. "He wants you dead, but I'm hoping that's not necessary."

Sidonis shifted his weight around, and Shepard followed suit. She felt that the second she moved out of Garrus' scope he would take the shot, so the only way to keep Garrus from pulling the trigger was to keep her head and Sidonis' even. She had a terrible sensation inhabit in the pit of her stomach the second Garrus had stated that she was in his shot. She was certain that Garrus wouldn't shoot her... They had been friends for so long, not to mention she trusted him to watch her back on daily basis. And besides, it would be out of his character to betray a friend, especially after what had happened to his squad.

Then again, Garrus had not been himself at all lately, and that fact did not alleviate the knot in her stomach.

* * *

Garrus' mandibles clicked as Shepard blatantly ignored his request and began to try and reason with Sidonis. Was she blind to everything Garrus had told her? Could she not see what a terrible person Sidonis was, all of the things he had done? Garrus narrowed his eyes as Shepard moved with Sidonis as he fiddled; she was obviously blocking his shot and trying to settle the problem without bloodshed. Before the whole Cerberus nonsense Shephard would have stepped aside in a heartbeat, but she was different now: much more diplomatic than before. This diplomacy wouldn't resolve Garrus' hate for Sidonis, though; this was a matter of justice for his men and bringing their killer to his knees. Garrus tensed his finger on the trigger as he saw an opening but was thwarted yet again. His mandible's flared as he heard Sidonis' pathetic voice yet again through Shephard's comm.

"Garrus? Is this some kind of joke?"

Garrus felt his chest fill with rage as Sidonis' eyes seemed to pathetically stare him dead in the eye through the scope. Garrus knew it was impossible for Sidonis to see him but those eyes... They were different from the Sidonis he had known. Well, the one Garrus had seen before he lost his entire squad at least.

Garrus closed his eyes for a second before readjusting his position. "Damn it, Shepard," Garrus hissed through the comm line, "If he moves I'm taking the shot!"

His barked warning fell on deaf ears. Shepard persisted on talking to Sidonis, warning him and pleading with him to hold his position. As Sidonis rambled on about his "problems" Garrus barely heard anything above a soft buzz as he tried to decide what to do. He wanted this shot badly, but he didn't want to risk hurting Shepard. Garrus lifted his eye from his scope for a second, his hand leaving the trigger as he gazed across the Citadel that his most hated enemy would probably escape into, to live a life stained with the blood of old friends and comrades...

No, Garrus wouldn't let that happen. Shepard would understand; she had to understand. She knew what this meant to him, and she knew there were risks involved. She knew what he had come there to do. And she full well knew that he would do anything to accomplish the job. Garrus closed his eyes as he reached for his ammo belt, pulling out a lone concussive round and loading it into his sniper rifle. He resettled himself into his former position and scoping in on the middle of Shepard's back, he took the shot.

Shepard almost instantly hit the floor; though she was tough, Garrus knew the combination of the pain and shock that Garrus had shot her would keep her down long enough to finish the job. Garrus couldn't think of that now, though, as he saw Sidonis' terrified eyes dart up to Garrus' position before he quickly turned on his heel, poised to run. _Too late to run, Sidonis_. Garrus took one shot and Sidonis dropped dead in his spot.

* * *

Screams echoed through the level as Shepard fell to the ground, her back instantly arching up as she collided with the cool metallic floor. Her eyes instantly started watering as she cried out, instantly pulling air in through clenched teeth. Normally a hit wouldn't hurt her this much, but an old injury from a mission in her rookie days made this unbearable. Her ears rang and her eyesight became spotty as she pain very slowly subsided. She gasped as she flipped herself over, looking for red blood but finding none; all that covered her hands was a warm dark blue substance that Shepard knew all too well to be turian blood. She looked through watery eyes to see Sidonis' lifeless body splayed out across the floor a mere meter from her. She tossed her head around, ignoring the running people around her and glaring at the outline of Garrus moving quickly out of the scaffolding.

Garrus not only completely disregarded Shepard's attempts to solve the situation peacefully, but the bastard had to shoot her in the process. Feeling the pain subside enough for her to move, she rose tenderly to her feet, her eyes scanning for the nearest bathroom to disappear into. She started moving, trying to ignore the stabbing pain in the middle of her back as she fumed about Garrus' blatant disregard for her safety. She knew she had been putting herself in harm's way, but never did she expect Garrus... of all people...

_He wasn't thinking. He couldn't have been._ She shook her head as she rounded a corner, almost knocking over an asari as she did. Ignoring the glare from the blue skinned alien Shepard spotted a bathroom only meters away and launched herself inside, shutting the door behind her. The room was surprisingly empty, though Shepard certainly wasn't complaining. She darted to the sink, turning the faucet on quickly and beginning to scrub the blue blood off of her exposed hands.

Of course Garrus hadn't been thinking. He was being outrageously stupid, and it made Shepard worry, not only as his commander but as his friend. She slowly stopped rubbing her hands together and simply let the water flow over her hands, the warm stream acting as a subtle form of comfort. She shook her head as she looked at the bottom of the white sink which was now stained with a deep blue. ..._He knew full well what he was doing, didn't he?_ Shepard felt an uneasy feeling come back to her stomach, and after turning off the water still flowing out of the faucet she quickly moved to lean herself up against the bathroom wall. Her back was still searing with pain, but surprisingly that hurt barely bothered her compared to the other emotions that were swirling in her.

Shepard sighed, burying her face in her hands and bending over. She knew she had to make it back to the Normandy, but once she got back she didn't know what she would do. She didn't know if Garrus would be there or, if he was, if he would even want to talk to her. And was that even what Shepard wanted? To talk to someone who had just willingly shot at her and ran off without coming to see if she was alright?

Rubbing her face, Shepard straightened up and took her hands down from her face, staring at the wall. Of course she needed to talk to Garrus. He was her friend. He had been there in her times of need, and now it was her turn to be there for him. Sure, she was angry. Hell, she was pissed off. If this had been any other person, she'd have been tempted to space them the second she was close enough to an airlock to push them out of. But this wasn't just some dumb trigger-happy private: this was Garrus. She pushed off of the wall, feeling a pang course up her back as she did. After checking the rest of her person for blood, she looked at herself in the mirror, saying a silent prayer that Garrus would be smart and not run off._ Hopefully he just goes back to the Normandy, _Shepard thought as she walked out of the bathroom and back in the the busy Citadel._ And hopefully he'll talk._


	2. Chapter 2

After taking down Sidonis, Garrus wanted to go and check on Shepard. He wasn't blind, and though she was a fair distance away she could see her struggling on the ground. But he was smarter than that. As much as he might have been worried about her physical state he knew that going to the scene of the crime was not a smart thing to do. Folding his sniper rifle and holstering it on his back, he made his way back to the shuttle to make his hasty retreat to the Normandy. He knew Shepard would make her way back eventually; if she didn't, he could pick her up in the med-bay. He winced at the thought, though. _She's strong… she couldn't be that badly hurt._

As he sat down in the shuttle, a confused multi-toned voice sounded from behind him. "Officer Vakarian, where is the Commander?"

Garrus felt his throat dry instantly as he saw who was sitting in the back seat through the rear-view mirror. He had completely forgotten Thane had accompanied the two of them to watch the shuttle and be ready to potentially book it out of the Citadel If things went badly. But now that Shepard wasn't there, he was eyeing Garrus curiously, and that wasn't what Garrus needed at all right now, especially after what had happened. "She, ah, said she needed to go meet with someone..." Garrus nervously replied. "Something personal, wouldn't tell me what."

Though Thane still seemed a bit skeptical, he nodded and leaned back, allowing Garrus to pilot the shuttle back to the Zakera Ward where the Normandy was docked. Aside from general mission banter with key points left out, the ride and subsequent walk to the Normandy's docking area was a quiet one. It didn't stop him from thinking about Shepard, though, and how pissed she would be the next time they saw one another.

_Really, though, why should she be?_ He could feel his temperature rising as anger built up in his chest. She knew what Sidonis had done, and Garrus told her this was the only way to get justice for the lives lost under his control. To him, it didn't matter if she understood why Sidonis needed to die; all that mattered was that the job was done. As he stepped into the airlock Garrus considered if he would apologize for what had happened. A part of him instantly jumped to support an apology, but something else told him he should think twice before giving Shepard what she probably wanted. Either way, he wasn't quite sure what he would do.

Garrus shook his head, dismissing his thoughts as he hear the signal to exit the decontamination/compression chamber and entered the Normandy, welcomed onto the ship by a multitude of computerized tones and coolly glowing stations.

Thane walked right through the cockpit and towards the elevator, but Garrus could only hope to be so lucky. "Welcome back, Mr. Vakarian." _Shit_, Garrus spun to look at the pilot's terminal, seeing the AI EDI's large purple eyeball (was it an eyeball?) projecting and seemingly "looking" at him. "Your mission has gone as planned. According to the reports on the galactic extranet C-Sec is currently investigating Sidonis' death but has no leads."

"Thanks EDI," Garrus mumbled, trying to turn on heel and leave only to be stopped by another, more male voice. "Ah, so you tore that guy a new asshole, didn't you?" Garrus closed his eyes, inhaling sharply before turning around and seeing Joker looking at him with a grin on his face. The grin only lasted a moment, though, as Joker seemed to lean forward in his chair for a moment, looking beyond where Garrus was standing. "I thought Shepard was with you?"

Garrus' stomach dropped and he shifted his weight, rubbing his neck as he procured a reason for Shepard's absence yet again. "She, ah, had to talk to someone down in the Lower Wards... Some sort of personal business, she didn't tell me what."

Joker's grin resurfaced. "Ahh, I'll bet the Commander's going to go and find some more 'illegal extranet bookmarks.'"

EDI seemed less than pleased about the comment. "Mr. Moreu, it is hardly professional or of accordance to rank to speak of Commander Shepard in this way."

Joker rolled his eyes, shrugging his shoulders. "Same way it's not funny when you spin me in my cha-aye aye aye, stop it EDI!" As Joker had been speaking, the AI had begun to playfully move the pilot's chair in a circle. Garrus sighed, not in the mood for such playful interaction. "I'll leave you to... whatever it is you two do up here." Before either could respond, Garrus finally turned on his heel and headed down to the Main Battery Room. He figured he could do some calibrations (which always needed to be done anyways) to keep his mind off the subject at hand.

* * *

Shepard could hardly keep herself from prying open the doors to the Normandy as she stood in the decontamination/compression chamber. It had taken her the longest time to get back to the Normandy after desperately circumventing where Sidonis had been killed to avoid being picked up by C-Sec. The whole time, too, Shepard had been assessing what had just occurred. At first she had been starting to worry about Garrus' mental well being but at this point she was angry that the turian had gone so far as to endanger her in order to finish off Sidonis. Maybe she had been out of line, trying to talk to Sidonis rather than flat out kill him, but any respectable person would do that, Shepard thought.

The matter of the fact was that Garrus, a turian and person who she respected and trusted, broke her trust by shooting her on a mission she was going out of her way to help him with. And the best part was her back was still killing her, which wasn't making her any happier.

The doors finally hissed, sliding to the side to reveal the interior of the CIC. She barely noticed any of her surroundings, though, as she quickly moved to Joker's terminal.

"Hello, Commander Shepard. You've arrived later than anticipated, and-"

"Not now, EDI," Shepard snarled at the ship's AI, and it quickly became unresponsive. Shepard grabbed Joker's chair and swung it around to reveal a very stunned looking Joker. "Damn, Shepard, I know I'm special, but I can turn my chair around myself..."

"This is not the time Joker," Shepard stepped back, crossing her arms and to her left side as she spoke. "Did Vakarian enter the ship?"

Joker raised an eyebrow. "Yeah, about an hour or so ago. We expected you to be with him but he said you were out on personal business down in the lower hey, where are you going?" Shepard turned sharply and stormed away towards the elevator as soon as Joker began describing what Garrus had said she was doing. _He was lying to cover his ass! _She completely ignored the Yeoman's attempt to get her to look at her message terminal for the tenth time today, and by the time she reached the elevator Shepard had become so angry she practically punched the elevator buttons. Her ride was no better; she angrily paced the small space until the doors slid open, to which her response was to launch herself from the elevator and to set her path directly to the Main Battery.

To her dislike, the status indicator on the door's face was glowing red, meaning that the door was locked. Shepard didn't care, though, as she went up to the door and banged on it ruthlessly with her fist. "Garrus, open the damn door right now!" She persisted to slam her closed fist into the large metallic door, ignoring the fact that it was fairly uncomfortable to be doing so.

"Vakarian, open the fucking door!" She was losing her temper quickly, her yell crackling mid-sentence and her pounding becoming more fueled by her rage. She could hear murmurs from the cafeteria, which she could only presume were about how the commander had lost her mind, but she could have cared less. She needed to speak with Garrus, and she wasn't going to wait.

* * *

Garrus was startled as he heard the pounding start, though he could not tell what part of the ship it was coming from. He was in the hangar when he first heard it, as he had been doing some maintenance work on the Kodiak shuttle after having run some calibrations but his curiosity got the better of him. He took the stairs up to the fourth deck, and after seeing that the banging was not coming from there he made his way up to the third.

He was immediately greeted by the sight of some of the crew standing by the crews' quarters, huddled and murmuring about something that Garrus assumed had to be about the banging. He looked to the small group. "Where's the noise coming from?"

An uncomfortable-looking, light-framed brunette woman answered him. "It's the Commander, Officer Vakarian. She's been at the door to the Battery for the past few minutes yelling for you to open the door."

Garrus felt his mandibles flutter and his entire body felt like a void. He nodded to the woman, moving himself cautiously towards the battery, and as he grew closer he watched the strongly built commander, who still donned her mission armor, pounded intensely on his door and yelled. It had been easy to be angry at Shepard when she wasn't standing in front of the battery trying to break down the automated door with her fists, but now Garrus considered running again to try and save his skin.

Garrus swallowed, though his mouth had already become very dry. iBe a man, Vakarian. He finally brought himself to be about 5 metres away from her when he finally spoke. "Uh, Commander?"

Instantly Shepard spun around, her eyes burning with what Garrus could only assume was rage. "You. Follow me." She walked past him, almost making sure to push him with her shoulder and cause his balance to be thrown off for a second or so before heading towards the elevator. Garrus was worried on the inside, but kept his composure as he walked through the small crowd of crew members the commander had amassed and followed the commander. _This is not going to be good..._


	3. Chapter 3

The whispers from the crew as Shepard and Garrus passed through were taunting, but Shepard could barely focus on them at the moment. She walked to the elevator, knowing that her turian "teammate" would undoubtedly follow. She angrily pushed the call button for the elevator, her foot tapping impatiently as she waited for the elevator to arrive. She could hear Garrus standing feverishly behind her, but she did not acknowledge him yet. Not until they were out of sight of the crew.

She had come back to the ship angry, but she still had the intent of trying to be more understanding than he had probably expected. But now, after finding out he had lied to Joker, told him everything was fine? Did he expect her to just grin and bear it, to be fine with what had transpired and forget it ever happened? _No way Vakarian_, Shepard thought as she took a quick glance at the turian standing a mere few feet from her, _I'm not consoling you today_.

_Bing! _Finally, the elevator had arrived, and Shepard wasted no time entering and pressing the button corresponding to the level that accommodated her private quarters. Shepard didn't hold the door for Garrus, who barely made it in the elevator before the doors snapped shut. He ran his hand over his fringe and tried to look Shepard in the eye, but she persisted to stare at the metallic elevator doors in front of them. When he finally turned, Shepard narrowed her eyes, almost wanting to confront him in the elevator but knowing that it would be unwise. She waited.

After what felt like an awkward millennia, the elevator doors finally opened to reveal the small hallway to Shepard's quarters. Shepard exited first, her booted feet dully pounding as she stepped over to the door, which slid open and allowed her to enter. She waited for Garrus to enter and, once he did, she let the door slide closed and then entered a code into the door's security system to lock the door completely. Shepard walked over to her desk, pacing for a moment before she finally turned to Garrus, resting her weight on her left leg and crossing her arms. The two stared at one another across the room, and Shepard could tell Garrus was uneasy. _Good_, thought Shepard, _he damn well should be scared right now._

The silence in the room was heavy but fragile, so Shepard shattered it with a baseball bat as her heated and angry voice spat her words. "Vakarian, what the fuck is wrong with you?"

* * *

Shepard's words cut into Garrus like shards of glass. And she wasn't even done yet. "First, you ask me to help you kill someone who was previously a close friend, and I comply." Garrus, who had been standing a few feet behind Shepard in the doorway, moved towards the fish tank in her quarters as she started pacing around near her desk, holding up fingers as she listed off the things she was all but happy about. "Not to mention," she continued, "throughout the entire mission you acted out brashly, disregarding orders and the safety of the team." Still standing, she leaned over her desk, hands gripping the lip of the metal surface as she spoke through gritted teeth. "But of course, that's not even the half of it. When we actually got to Sidonis, you blatantly put a commanding officer – and a _friend's_– life in danger as you–"

Garrus stood, slightly confused as Shepard had stopped speaking so abruptly. He knew what was going through her head, what she wanted to say. He almost wanted to finish what she was saying just to get it over with, but he knew that would only make Shepard angrier. Still, that didn't change the fact that any silence that happened between the two of them now was intensely uncomfortable, and Garrus decided he would try to alleviate it.

"Sh-Shepard?" Shepard didn't respond, simply standing at the desk, her weight on her left foot. Garrus scratched the back of his neck, his mandibles clicking as he became much more anxious than before. Before Garrus could try to gain her attention again, however, Shepard pushed off of the desk, turning towards Garrus and lunging at him, her hands catching under one of the plates of his armor and violently pushing him up against the wall. "You SHOT me, Garrus. You. Fucking. SHOT. Me." With every word she uttered she thrust him into the wall a bit harder, and Garrus felt an uncomfortable pain growing in his back.

"Shepard," Garrus said in a strained voice, "it was the only option..."

Shepard pulled Garrus back from the wall a few inches and bashed him back into the wall. "No! Didn't you see the look in his eyes, Garrus, or were you too blind with hatred? He wasn't the same turian you knew back when he betrayed you! He was sickly, anxious, afraid – Garrus, he was already a dead man!"

Garrus's mandibles flared and his flanging voice because hot with anger. "So what did I do wrong then Shepard! If he was already dead on the inside, then I just helped him along! He knew he deserved to be dead for what he did to my men!"

Shepard's eyes became exasperated. "Are you even listening to yourself Garrus? Do you even know what you're saying?" She loosened her grip on him but still stayed close, her voice cracking as she tried to plead reason from her old friend. If she hadn't approached him like this, handled the situation this way, Garrus might have had the balls to take one for the team and apologize for the way he acted.

Garrus wouldn't have it though. Sure, he might have been out of line in his decision to shoot her, but was she hurt now? She hadn't even known Sidonis, the things he had done, but she had been trying to protect him! Garrus's mandibles flared out again. He had thought Shepard to be his friend, maybe even closer... But the way she spoke to him now... Garrus couldn't handle it. He was done with this.

* * *

As Shepard's knuckles turned white, she loosened her grip on Garrus's armor she was becoming less angry and more exasperated with him by the minute. He just didn't understand, didn't see what she had seen in that turian's eyes. Even though she was still frustrated with him over shooting her, she was becoming more and more worried with the fact that, even when he saw Sidonis and how distressed he was (and Shepard knew quite well that he had the ability to see that through his scope), he still was able to kill his friend in cold blood and feel like he was doing the turian a favor. Shepard could almost feel a sob in her chest as she reprimanded her friend for saying what he said.

Shepard had been silently staring Garrus down as he tried to avert his gaze from her. She knew she had gotten to him, and she felt somewhat awkward for blowing up at him now. While she could have handled it better, it was the fact that he was her friend that really made her blood boiled. A normal private would have been punished and potentially discharged. But Garrus wasn't just some private.

"...Garrus? Garrus, please, say something... all I wa-"

Shepard wasn't able to speak for long, for in response to Shepard's questioning, Garrus wrapped his talons tightly around Shepard's arms, flipping the two of them around and slamming her back to the wall. Shepard cried out as she felt a sharp pain course up the length of her spine and hover when Garrus had shot her, making her drop her hand from his armor and knocking the wind out of her. She looked up at Garrus, whose eyes looked to be filled with rage.

"It had to be done, Shepard." He spoke in a cool, calculating tone, though with an undertone of the anger that filled his eyes. "You didn't know Sidonis. You didn't see what I saw. You couldn't know how I feel."

Still in pain, Shepard struggle against Garrus, but he quickly tightened his grip with his sharp talons, causing her arms to go limp in his grip; he knew where the vulnerable points were in her armor set. She wanted to try and kick him away, but the agitated injury in her back made her legs numb, almost making it impossible to stand. At this point, Shepard was downright frightened by Garrus's tone and actions, but she also was pissed at his comments. "You know I was on Akuze, you bastard," she gasped out, her back throbbing and tears streaming down her cheeks as she spat her words angrily at him. "You know I know what it feels like to lose everyone in a unit. I know the pain of losing good men and friends."

"That was different," Garrus hissed, pushing Shepard into the wall as he moved in closer, making Shepard's anger instantly subside; she felt incredibly uncomfortable as there were only a few inches between them, so she turned her head so her cheek met the cool wall as he continued. "None of them _betrayed_you in the process Shepard. You'll never understand why I did what I did."

The pressure Garrus was putting on her person was unbearable, causing her to let out a small whimper. Shepard was tough, but the matter of the fact was that Garrus was a turian, and they were in generally much stronger than humans in general. She had only felt this lack of control once in her life, and she had vowed that she would never let anything get to that point again. But here she was, almost fearing her life as one of her closest friends in the galaxy stared her down with the eyes of someone who was capable of doing anything to her in that moment. And she was terrified.

After a few more moments of intensity Garrus finally released Shepard, though not before pushing her into the wall again. Shepard cried out as she collided with the wall one more time; she tried to keep her balance but slid down the wall and fell to the ground instead. Ignoring Shepard's fall, Garrus walked up to the door, and upon seeing it was locked, looked back to Shepard. "Get up and unlock it now. I'm leaving the ship."

Shocked, Shepard straightened up the best she could on the ground, an incredulous look taking over her features. "Garrus, please, be rational, we need you he-"

As she spoke, Garrus stormed back over to her person and grabbed her arm, violently forcing her up to her feet. "I AM being rational!" Shepard choked out a sob as she stumbled, his grip tight and painful even through her armor; she had only ever heard Garrus raise his voice once, and even then it wasn't nearly as bad as this, causing her to think twice about continuing her pleading.

He pulled her over to the data pad like a scared dog on a leash, letting her go but staring her down as he waited for her to let him out. She timidly placed her hand on it but hesitated at punching in the code. She looked up at him, but his gaze was empty towards her. She bit her lip as she finally typed the code, the door hissing open. Garrus walked through the open door, not looking back at Shepard to say a word. As the door closed shut behind him, Shepard felt her back give out as she slid down the wall again and began to cry.


	4. Chapter 4

Garrus exited the elevator on the Combat Information Center, his guns and a bag slung over his back. He had gone down to the main battery and gathered the lone things he had brought with him on the ship before heading up to the CIC, ready to exit the ship for what Garrus thought was for good. As he walked past Kelly she attempted to say hello, but his blatant ignorance to her presence caused her to quiet herself as he walked past. No one else even bothered to try and greet him as he walked past.

He had gotten violent with Shepard, and he didn't really know if it was the right thing to do. She _had_ started it, but the look she had given him when he had her pushed up against the wall was confusing to him. He knew what humans looked like when they were scared (he had killed enough rotten humans on Omega during his time as Archangel), but Shepard hadn't just been scared... there was another emotion he could see, and it wasn't one Garrus had seen come from her before. Whatever it was, at the very least it meant she had been listening.

Once Garrus reached the airlock, he looked up to where Joker was sitting. "Joker, open the decompression chamber."

Joker turned around, a stupid grin on his face as he looked at the turian. "Ahh, Garrus where have you been! Did Shepard ever get a hold of you?" When Garrus didn't respond, Joker shrugged and continued on. "Well, couldn't have been that important. Anywho, you know I can't let you off unless Shepard's given me an order about you having shore leave or something else."

Garrus knew he would get stopped, but it wouldn't keep him on the ship. He quickly moved over to Joker, who looked to grow slightly uneasy by Garrus's brash behavior. Garrus towered over Joker and crossed his arms. "Call Shepard's personal comm now and get me the clearance."

Joker looked like he wanted to tell Garrus no (as was actually protocol, since the commander was supposed to call ahead to notify the helm of personal leave), so Garrus moved his hand to rest on his pistol. At that movement Joker quickly pulled up his comm line. "Whoa there, no need to get violent, I'm callin'..." Joker began to mutter something inaudible as he dialed up Shepard's comm. After a few seconds Joker began to speak.

"Hey Commander... Vakarian's up in the bridge right now and he wants clearance to leave the ship. Does he have leave of any kind?" After a long pause, a muted female's voice could be heard though no words were audible in her speech, and after a few seconds Joker looked back at Garrus.

"Shepard said you have indefinite personal leave..." Joker's eyebrow cocked as if waiting for Garrus to explain, but Garrus merely glared; his patience had worn thin. "Just open the damn chamber Joker!"

Joker, looking slightly peeved, turned in his chair and opened the chamber while asking EDI to pull up a video feed of some sort. Ignoring him, Garrus finally stepped in and waited as he went through the decontamination process. Garrus knew that argument didn't go the way it should have, but he didn't regret a thing that happened. He knew he had been right in what he did to Sidonis, and even if the option to change it was offered Garrus wouldn't accept. If Shepard couldn't accept that it was her problem. _She doesn't understand the half of what I've been through, of what I've seen. Trying to be a damn diplomat. She's the one who is blind, not me._

* * *

It had killed her to let Garrus off of the ship, but she didn't have any other choice. Keeping him on the ship would simply cause more disputes, and after the way he acted in her quarters, could end up hurting one of the crew members. So when Joker called her comm (presumably on Garrus's orders), Shepard simply gave to word for him to be given shore leave. _Maybe it will help him clear his head... hopefully he'll just come back in a few hours and he'll be more willing to actually talk this time..._

Though she shuddered at the thought, she knew she would be the only one who could talk some sense in him. She was still hurting from their fight, and when she finally took to stripping off her armor she noticed that he had torn through her body suit and ever drew blood. She was honestly past being angry at him. All getting angry did was infuriate him to the point of violence, and that was a road Shepard did not want to go down with Garrus again. It wasn't like Garrus at all to act like this, and it was scaring the hell out of her that she didn't really know how she would stop him and bring the old Garrus. Hell, she didn't even know if the old Garrus would want to come back...

A little while after Garrus left Shepard went down to the crew's deck to the main battery. Part of her hoped that he would be standing there again, ready to talk about what had happened and then let Shepard help him through whatever it was he was going through. But as expected, she was only met with the dull hum of the battery as the doors slid open. What she hadn't expected to see, however, was all of Garrus's things gone from the small room. The cot, his rifle, his helmet... everything related to Garrus was completely absent from the room. Shepard moved over to a crate that still remained in the room, sitting down and resting her elbows on her knees. She closed her eyes. _Does he think he's not coming back?_ Shepard shook her head, trying to dismiss the unattractive thought from her mind. He wouldn't just up and leave the ship... Even ifhe was pissed at her, he would have let _someone _know he was leaving for good...

Or would he have? Shepard lifted her head and opened her eyes, looking over at the station that Garrus had always seemed to stand at. He hadn't really been close to anyone on the ship except for Shepard and had mostly kept to himself and his calibrations. If he would have told anyone, it would have been Shepard. She gritted her teeth, balling up her right hand into a fist and digging her gloved fingers into her palm. She was sick of losing people in her life, sick of getting close to people to simply let them slip from between her fingers.

Shepard lost it. She shouted, her voice cracking mid-cry as she whipped her right arm to punch the wall, her left hand resting on the wall next to where the right landed. She clenched her eyes shut as she slowly moved her head forward until her forehead rest on the cool metallic wall. She viciously punched the wall again but remained silent, merely hearing the loud metallic clang as her balled hand collided with the plating. Her hand had begun to pulse with pain after the third hit, but Shepard was determined to make it go numb. She pulled her fist back for another blow but was surprised to find her arm caught by someone behind her.

"Siha," Thane's low, raspy voice spoke, "you will harm yourself if you continue to batter the wall. Tell me, what is troubling you?"

* * *

Finally off the ship, Garrus thought he would feel relieved. However, his chest was still as heavy as it was when he had furiously packed his belongings and stormed off of the Normandy, unwilling to compromise over what he had done. He looked back at the airlock doors that led back to the Normandy and wondered if he should just go back, finish duke-ing it out with Shepard, and move on.

_Don't be stupid,_ Garrus told himself as he adjusted his bag, shaking his head. _If you had listened to her and let Sidonis go he wouldn't have been brought to justice and your ten men would have gone unavenged._ Garrus decided to focus his attention elsewhere and to the transport center, finding a cabbie who he told to take him to a place he could stay for the night.

After being dropped off in front of a rather seedy place owned by a volus who seemed to be on some sort of drugs (probably red sand, Garrus presumed), Garrus dropped off his things, though keeping his pistol on him, and changed into civilian clothes before deciding to go over to Chora's Den for a few drinks. He needed to calm himself down, and a few glasses of turian ale would certainly do the trick.

After the uneventful trip to the club, Garrus took a seat at the bar, leaning on it and calling for the bartender to bring him a drink. Garrus vaguely recognized the turian barkeep but didn't realize who he was until the turian was right in front of him.

"Garrus? Garrus Vakarian?"

Garrus blinked, his mandibles clicking as he squinted to see the bartender's face and markings. After a few moments, though, the turian's name finally came to his mind. "Spurus Aoin! What the hell are you doing here? "

Spurus chuckled and shrugged a little. "After that arms dealing deal fell through I decided to learn how to bartend and work down here. Keeps me busy and out of trouble... Mostly. What about you Vakarian? Last I heard you were off running around the galaxy with that Shepard character before she was killed!"

Garrus felt a pang in his chest at the mention of Shepard's name and death, but he pushed it aside. He leaned to the side and shook his head for a moment. "Yeah, I've stayed off the radar for a while... Just keeping a low profile, that's all. Why don't you get me a glass of some good ale and we can catch up. I haven't talked to you since I joined C-sec when we had just left the military."

Spurus turned to grab the bottle and pour Garrus a drink. In all honesty, Garrus was not a big fan of Spurus or his past (no, it was especially his past), but Shepard... Shepard had been the only person he really talked to on the Normandy and in galactic space, for that matter. In the hour or so he had been on the Citadel already he noticed how lonely he felt again off of the damn SR-2, and if he had been given the chance to fill that void with some turian acquaintance and some dextro-friendly liquor, then Garrus would damn well try. And if not, then he would have a few more glasses than usual and stumble to his room to pass out on the grungy bed to forget the night. No harm done.


	5. Chapter 5

Shepard detailed the entire scenario to Thane in the Battery (not without a few tears, of course), and by the end of the story she was less hopeful about Garrus's return than before. She still sat on the crate by the door, though she now leaned against the wall she had been ruthlessly battering, her forehead resting on the cool metal. Thane stood across the room, arms crossed and head titled downward, seeming to be deep in thought.

Shepards last words about Garrus's untimely departure still hung over the two, and Shepard decided to be the first to speak. "Thane... do you think he'll come back?" Shepard lifted her head and turned toward Thane.

Thane shifted his weight and leaned against the door frame. "I do not know for sure." His hand went to his chin and he paused for a moment. "From my position, I see two options for you. You can either accept that Officer Vakarian has left and leave him to his business. Or you can try to find him on the Citadel and convince him to come back."

Shepard leaned forward, resting her head in her hands. "But he was so angry... I can't even see him wanting to come back to the ship. And I don't even know where I would start looking for him..."

Shepard listened to Thane's footsteps as he moved over to Shepard and sat down next to her on the crate. "When I received word of my son on the Citadel," the raspy voice began, "I had those options as well. Even though I knew Kolyat would be furious to see me standing there as he held a gun to Talid's head, even though I knew he wouldn't want to hear a word I said, I care about my son, so I chose to go to him and help him to the right path. I cannot say what the right path for Officer Vakarian is, but I do know that if it is aboard the Normandy, you are the only person who can bring him back. Even if he did not listen to you at first, he may be more willing to listen now."

Shepard straightened up slowly, running her hands through her hair before looking to Thane. "Do you honestly think I can bring him back?"

Thane closed his eyes and nodded. "I think the only people who need to be convinced of that are Officer Vakarian... and you."

Shepard nodded in response, and Thane rose to his feet, offering a hand to Shepard. After standing and brushing off her knees she looked at Thane and gave him a small smile. "Thank you, Thane."

He stood and nodded, though a look of concern lingered in his eyes. "Anything for you, Siha. Now be careful and go."

* * *

Garrus didn't want to even think about standing from the barstool he was teetering on. Three hours had passed since he first walked in the door of the club. Spurus had long since finished his shift and, after having a few drinks and deciding Garrus was too drunk to talk, left the drunken officer barely holding onto the glossy, smooth counter. It didn't matter to Garrus though; he spent plenty of his time on the Normandy alone and it hadn't bothered him before.

Garrus tried to focus his blurred eyesight but gave up after a second or so. He hadn't meant to get this blasted, but time and emotions got the better of him. So many things were rushing back to him all at once... His days at C-Sec, the fight against Saren, Sidonis...

His mandibles flared. Sidonis was still fresh on his mind, and his name still tore at him like sand in an open wound. Garrus thought killing him would be enough. He thought avenging his dead team would bring Garrus the ease and rest he had been searching for. But still, _still_, that name cut into Garrus as painfully as it did when the turian had first betrayed Garrus's team.

Why?

Garrus shook his head, reaching out for his glass of ale to take a swig. Instead, however, his talons twitched and tipped the glass over on the counter, ale spilling across the counter and glass crashing to the ground. _Fuck_ he thought, lurching forward seconds too late. The sudden movement caused Garrus's insides to churn and his eyesight to white out for a few seconds. He exhaled and inhaled sharply, his talons gripping for the counter.

Garrus tried to stand but quickly felt gravity trying to drag him to the ground. He stumbled, grappling wildly for the barstool to keep his balance. Missing, he accidentally stumbled into a human who had been sitting next to him for quite some time. "Sorry," Garrus burped, his stomach turning in circles.

The man wasn't receptive. "Fuckin' turians." He glared, and even Garrus wasn't too drunk to tell that the man was as blasted as he was. "You think you fuckin' own the Citadel, like you can just get piss-ass drunk and walk all over us humans." The man stood up, puffing out his chest, eyes still glaring at the half-kneeling Garrus. "Well, my grandfather served during the First Contact War, and you fuckin' turians killed him before I could even know who he was." The drunken man pushed Garrus, who lost his balance and fell back to the ground.

The man chuckled as a few other humans gathered around. "Typical turian: act so high and mighty, but can't even hold your liquor." The man lashed out violently, kicking Garrus in the abdomen, causing Garrus to wretched and grab at his stomach. Garrus rolled onto his side, and the humans who had gathered simply laughed. "Fuckin' pathetic."

As Garrus cringed on the ground, too drunk to get up, a few intoxicated turians came over, one helping Garrus to his feet and walking him over to an empty dancer booth before rejoining the group. A turian with red face tattoos stepped up to the man who had pushed Garrus, crossed his arms, and spoke. "You really think that's a smart thing to do that human? You really feel like pushing your luck tonight?"

The man who grinned stepped closer to the turian in an attempt to intimidate him. "And what are you going to do turian? Fall on the floor, wasted, like your buddy did?"

* * *

Shepard tapped her foot anxiously against the metallic floor, checking her watch as if it would make her elevator ride move faster. She had given the crew a few hours of shore leave since as she didn't know how long it would take to find Garrus, let alone talk to him. Luckily, though, Captain Bailey had been at customs and informed Shepard that Garrus had been spotted in Chora's Den down in the Lower Wards, very drunk and very unhappy.

Shepard looked at her watch again, brow furrowed as the elevator seemed to only inch along in her haste. She hoped to god the turian was alright, that he was just laying on the bar counter passed out or something of the sort. She couldn't afford to lose him, not as a crew member, not as a friend...

The elevator door finally slid open, revealing the hallway that would lead Shepard to the bar. As Shepard jogged out of the elevator, she realized how odd she felt. For the first time in a few months she was wearing casual clothes, cargo pants and a t-shirt, off of the Normandy. She had even opted to only bring a small pistol with her rather than her usual armory of guns; since she was only after Garrus, she was confident she wouldn't need it.

She slowed to her pace and eventually came to a halt as the automated door to the bar opened and revealed a decent-sized fist fight between a group of turians and a group of humans occurring by the left side of the bar. Scantily-clad asari fled from their dancing posts as a human was flung against the wall. Shepard's brow furrowed again as she spotted Garrus' limp form slumped against a wall. _Garrus is lucky I'm his friend,_ Shepard thought as she darted over to the corner/empty dancing booth he was virtually passed out in. She slid the last metre or so on her knees, her hands instantly reaching out to straighten him up as she started to try and evoke a response from him.

Just as his beady, bloodshot eyes opened Shephard felt a powerful pair of talons grab her shoulders from behind, spinning her around and putting her face-to-face with a tall and inebriated-looking turian backed by two of his kind. The turian didn't let go of her shoulders as he began to speak, his flanging voice cold and angry. "Don't you humans ever learn not to mess with a fucking turian? Especially after what happened to your buddies?"

Shepard shook her head, her hand slowly moving toward the pocket where her pistol was but unable to reach it. "I'm not with them; that turian on the ground there is in my squad. I'm not trying to start any trouble, just trying to help a friend.."

The turian howled with laughter. "A human calling a turian a FRIEND! I haven't heard anything that funny since the story about a krogan writing love poems!" The turians around him laughed as well, and the one who was still gripping Shepard's shoulders turned her around to face Garrus. "Is this human _really _a friend of yours?"

Shepard watched as Garrus lolled his head up to look at her, his beady eyes squinting to clearly see her. However, the commander's jaw almost dropped to the floor as the turian very clearly and concisely responded.

"I haven't met the human before in my life."

Instantly Shepard felt her insides twist and she felt numb. She tried to hold her composure but, filled with rage, she lashed out. Hearing nothing but a dull hum, she violently broke the grip the unnamed turian had on her, lunging down at Garrus and grabbing at the fabric of the casual clothing. She straddled his miniscule turian waist and, after raising her fist, dealt a furious blow to the scarred side of his face. She tried to hit him again but yet again felt the strong talons of the other turians pull her off of Garrus. A sharp punch to the cheek brought her back into reality.

"You're gonna regret that human!" Shepard didn't respond but struggled fiercely against the talons that were gripping her arms tightly as she was being dragged out of the bar. She tried to grab for her pistol again but she was rendered completely immobile by the sharp talons cutting into her skin. As soon as they were out the door, she felt a few hands leave her arms, but one of the stronger turians took hold of her left shoulder and right side of her face, slamming her into the wall to their left. Shepard yelled out, her ears ringing as the turian took hold of her neck tightly and turned with her, slamming her back against the half wall and, holding her against the wall, let one of the other turians start to punch her. No matter how strong she was, how skilled she was normally, at the moment she couldn't even will herself to fight back. She couldn't believe Garrus... of all people...

After what felt like hours to Shepard, the grip on her neck suddenly loosed, letting her fall to the ground. It took Shepard a few moments to regain her bearings but once she did, she frantically grabbed for the pistol she had brought with her, only to find the three turians who had dragged her out of the bar dead on the ground. Shepard stood slowly, legs shaking as she heard the accented female voice speak to her over the whining of vehicles speeding by below them. "Now you owe me for saving your life twice."


	6. Chapter 6

Garrus watched as the turians dragged Shepard off of him and out of the bar, and even though he didn't necessarily want to admit it he didn't feel as bad as he should have as he watched the doors close behind the vehement group. Garrus used the wall to stand himself up, still feeling the sting of Shepard's punch to his scarred cheek. He shook it off, though, and stumbled to the back of the bar, though choosing instead to sit at a table against the wall rather than at the bar again.

The inflamed turians and humans had dissipated, so Garrus figured he would be safe to stumble back to his room in the next few minutes. He was a bit worried about where Shepard would be, merely because he didn't want to run into her again after he denied even knowing who she was. Sure, it was, what did humans called it, a "dick move." But Garrus had to either choose to piss off a bunch of drunken turians and get his own blasted-self beaten up or let a very sober Shepard handle it... _I'm too drunk to even stand, let alone fight…. She'd be able to handle it. She'll be fine, completely fine._

After finally gaining the will to stand, Garrus slowly began to move himself towards the door, only to spot from the rear of the club the door opening to reveal the dark-haired, black-leather-wearing woman Garrus knew quite well to be XO Lawson. _What the hell is she doing here?_ He cursed, thanking the fact that he had plainclothes on and took a position at the bar where he could watch Lawson without her spotting him. She walked over to the place where Garrus had been laying while the fight was happening, while Shepard had been dragged out of the bar...

Garrus felt a lump grow in his throat. _Is she looking for Shepard?_ Garrus' mandibles clicked as he watched Lawson look around the large room (Garrus put his head down to the bar as her eyes scanned over to his position) before she walked back to the exit and left.

_Shit,_ Garrus thought. If Shepard was missing, the crew would undoubtedly blame it on him, especially after the scene in front of the battery on the Normandy. He ran his taloned hand over his fringe, closing his eyes and sighing before finally standing and moving towards the exit. Thankfully, as the doors opened in front of him, he saw no sign of Lawson anywhere. However, he cringed as he saw three of the turians who had dragged Shepard outside lying dead in pooling turian blood and, after taking a few steps, saw what looked like a few sprays of human blood against a part of the half wall in front of the bar.

_No sign of Shepard though._ Garrus hadn't decided yet if that was a good or a bad thing. Either way, he knew the next time he saw Shepard, she was going to be livid, and he at least wanted to be sober for that. Garrus stumbled towards the back alleyway that would lead him to the shady motel room, wanting to get far away from Chora's before C-Sec started to show up with questions.

* * *

Shepard had to beg Miranda to go back into Chora's to look for Garrus, but Shepard didn't expect to hear the turian was nowhere to be found. Had he just walked by without a passing glance? Has he simply disregarded the incident, or was he really too drunk to comprehend what had been going on? Shepard closed her eyes, the taste of blood in her mouth as the warm red substance trailed down from her brow. To just dismiss her like that, pretend that he didn't even _know_ her... _He's being a coward, just like with Sidonis. He's letting me take a hit so he can try to come out unscathed..._ A tear trickled down her cheek, her mouth now filling with the taste of salt and blood combined.

"Come on Commander." Miranda put her hand under Shepard's arm, helping her to her feet. Miranda was about to begin walking, but Shepard broke from her, limping forward on her own. "I'm fine," she said. "Just a little cut up, that's all."

Miranda followed, speaking in a stern but concerned voice. "Shepard, I know you're generally not one to address your personal issues, but these particular issues between you and Officer Vakarian are starting to severely conflict with your duties as commanding officer."

Shepard continued forward, refusing to speak but still moving in the direction towards an elevator that could take them to C-Sec and then, consequently, the docking bay. Miranda quieted when she realized Shepard wasn't going to respond, and they walked silently until in the elevator to C-Sec.

Miranda broke the silence. "You're slipping, Shepard. Your actions are not only affecting you, but everyone around you. You're endangering yourself, crewmates, and the mission. The Illusive Man isn't going to-"

"I don't give a SHIT about what the Illusive Man thinks about this!" Shepard glared over to Miranda. "You should know by now I don't care at all for Cerberus' involvement."

Miranda sighed. "That is beside the point Shepard. The point is you are acting foolishly over a rogue officer. Just leave him and continue the mission. It's an unfortunate loss but albeit necessary."

Shepard looked at Miranda incredulously. "You don't get it... Garrus is one of the only friends I've got in this galaxy, and someone like him is damn hard to come by." Shepard leaned up against the curved elevator wall and slowly slid down until she was crouched, elbows on her knees. "You're right, though. It's useless, seeing as he wouldn't even acknowledge that he knew me." Shepard felt her face become hot. "He just let those turians drag me out of there like it was none of his business..."

Miranda looked down at where Shepard was and rolled her eyes, moving over to the elevator and quickly hitting a button, causing the elevator to stop and open. Shepard looked up, seeing the familiar walkway that led to the Med-bay where Shepard had first seen Garrus' sharpshooting skills. Shepard looked up to Miranda, who just pulled Shepard up again.

"It's obvious you're just going to dwell on this until you talk to him, and as commanding officer the last thing we need is for you to be distracted. Go get patched up. I'll see if I can find out his whereabouts. I'll call your comm if I find anything."

Shepard contemplated for a moment before she nodded, stepping out of the elevator and watching the doors close. Shepard turned on her heel and walked towards the med-bay. _At least I get to catch up with Dr. Michel?_

* * *

After being offered red sand by the volus at the motel desk (Garrus _knew_ he had to be on some sort of drugs), Garrus finally walked through the door of his small room. He groaned as he fell backwards on the bed. After closing his eyes, he felt his head begin to throb from the loud music that could be heard through the thin walls, as well as from the lights that Garrus could not seem to find a switch for. He had considered simply breaking the offending lamp, but decided the last thing he needed was something else to pay for, especially after the abuse he put his credit chit through at Chora's.

_This is all Shepard's fault_, Garrus thought. _If she had just let me be after the Sidonis incident I wouldn't have left and there wouldn't have been an issue._ Garrus rolled onto his side and looked at the chipped paint that was painted over what looked like a metallic wall. Just thinking Sidonis' name again made Garrus' stomach churn but still, he didn't understand why. Of course, he hated the turian for what he did, but it was something more than that. And at that moment, Garrus found himself thinking back to the warehouse, as he, Shepard, and Thane had been attempting to get to Harkin.

_"You still planning to kill Sidonis when we find him?" Shepard raised an inquisitive brow as she looked down at Garrus, who was eyeing the mechs that had started to power on at Fade's command._

"_That's the plan. It'll be quick and painless. Unlike everyone he betrayed he'll be spared the agony of a slow death." He paused. "It's more than he deserves, but as long as he's dead, I'll be satisfied."_

_Shepard frowned. "Garrus, do you really think killing Sidonis will make things right?"_

Garrus remembered his reply at the time, a very hasty and heated response to simply get the squad moving to get to Harkin. However, Shepard's words were reverberating inside of Garrus now, echoing a question that was dying to be answered. Was that why Garrus was so angry still, so upset by even thinking about Sidonis? Had Shepard been right, that killing Sidonis really hadn't helped with Garrus's need to avenge his fallen comrades? Even worse, had Garrus lost his one friend left in the whole damn galaxy because of a lust for revenge?

He closed his eyes, somewhat wishing that the loud thumping music would somehow be replaced by the calm hum of the battery on the Normandy. Garrus sighed, wondering if the Collector Ship had never attacked the original Normandy if things would have been different. Garrus would never have had to find another place to go, to lose a team of men, to experience losing the one person that mattered most to him in the galaxy...

But when he tried to find a simpler time, Garrus found none. Times were never just plain simple. The closest Garrus ever got to simple were the little moments during the fight against Saren... when Shepard would come to the cargo bay to debate ethics, how she would always make sure to acquire better-quality rations for him and Tali since the Alliance only provided some dextro-amino acid paste that tasted like nothing... How he and Shepard would sit up late at night in the mess exchanging stories about their past and their time in the military... How, before she died, she had started looking at him with the eyes he always saw humans giving each other before they put their mouths together... Garrus wondered now what those eyes had really meant.

Garrus grunted, rolling back onto his back and putting his hands behind his head. He stared up at the ceiling until he could no longer keep his eyes open and drifted to sleep with images of Shepard and him fighting through hoards of husks and geth as they chased Saren across the galaxy...


	7. Chapter 7

Shepard had been less than thrilled to see that Dr. Michel was no longer working in the clinic in the Wards, though she had been replaced by a very courteous salarian doctor who was just as skilled as she had been (though did not make as much conversation as Michel had whenever Shepard dropped in when she was in the neighborhood). Nonetheless the salarian doctor patched Shepard up with medigel and gauze alike, occasionally trying to make conversation, though mostly inquiring about where she acquired her injuries. He didn't seem too phased about her situation (the Wards had always been relatively violent), and after about an hour the salarian doctor sent her on her way.

Wasting no time, Shepard set up a comm link to Miranda as soon as she stepped out of the clinic. "Miranda, have you found anything yet?"

After a few seconds Miranda responded. "Nothing yet; I've talked to Bailey, though, and he has a few of his duct rat kids trying to scrounge up something on where he might be."

Shepard felt her stomach turn. "I guess I'm just going to start looking around. He can't have gotten far." As Shepard was about to drop the link Miranda's voice chimed in. "Wait wait wait, Shepard..." Miranda started to speak to a male voice, their conversation low and fast. Shepard was praying it was about Garrus' whereabouts, and she anxiously tapped her foot as she waited for Miranda to finish her other conversation.

Finally Miranda's voice came back on the comm, clearly addressing Shepard. "Shepard, that was Captain Bailey. He said they traced Garrus' credit chit to a small motel a little ways away from Chora's Den. Your best bet is to call rapid transit and to tell them to not let you off at Chora's..."

Shepard grinned weakly. "Noted. Thank you Miranda; I'll let you know if anything else comes up." Shepard promptly cut the comm and moved to the transit station, quickly flagging down an X3M shuttle and explaining where she needed to go. It wouldn't be a terribly long shuttle ride, but Shepard was tired of trekking through the Citadel like she was trying to work off a large breakfast. _I haven't even eaten since before my shift in the morning, and now it's..._ Shepard looked at her omni tool, groaning when she saw it was nearly 0500. Had it really almost been a full 24 hours? _I am going to kick Garrus' ass AND make him buy me a meal after all of this..._

The shuttle was short indeed, as she was jolted out of her thoughts just as quickly as she had entered them as the shuttle came to a stop abruptly in a shuttle station outside of a part of the lower wards Shepard had not been in before. She leaned up, holding the seat and addressing the shuttle driver. "How far is the motel I told you about from here?"

The man motioned down an alley that could be seen from where they were. "Just take that alley until it ends, and then break right. You'll see a volus; he's the clerk."

Shepard thanked the driver, transferring funds from her credit account to his before stepping from the shuttle and heading to the alley. Of course it was poorly lit but, lucky for Shepard, it was relatively devoid of life (save for a Keeper, though in Shepard's mind they didn't technically count). She walked quickly to the end of the alley and went to the right, almost instantly spotting the volus she assumed the shuttle driver had mentioned. Again she quickened her pace, walking up to the short and stocky alien.

"Good evening."

The volus didn't even seem to be listening, too focused on something Shepard could not see. Shepard rolled her eyes, leaning over the counter and snapping her fingers in front of the volus's face. "Hey! Buddy! A little help!"

After a filtered snort and head shake the volus looked in her direction. "Ah, welcome to my, Vorlack's, rooming accommodations! May I interest you in a room?"

Shepard sighed, becoming impatient. "No. I need you to tell me what room a Mr. Garrus Vakarian is staying in. He's a turian, a bit taller than me with blue clan markings."

"Ah, yes, very nice turian..." The volus looked her up and down before looking up the room information on a datapad. "He is in 21c... very odd turian... never would have expected a human call girl for him... " Shepard instantly felt her face flush. For God's sake she was wearing a t-shirt... how could he even think she was a prostitute? _Jesus, I just need to wear my armor everywhere I go from now on..._ Shepard swiftly left the counter muttering a low 'thanks' before winding through the halls to find the room the volus had indicated.

* * *

_Garrus sat anxiously on the shuttle, watching out of the window as the shit-hole that was Omega gave him little attractive scenery to observe. Garrus looked down at his omni-tool, re-reading the message that Sidonis had sent him requesting help from a job he was doing involving a few Blue Suns operatives. Small time thing, but Sidonis had shown a personal attachment to the job that had been offered, and Garrus had been more than happy to oblige. The turian couldn't help but worry slightly, though, as he thought of the urgency written into the message, telling him a location to meet in as soon as possible. It was decently far from his squad's hideout, but he trusted the team to hold down the fort._

_The shuttle arrived, and Garrus promptly exited, activating the coordinates of the meeting position and following them quickly. He had no idea what could have gone wrong with the mission that Sidonis had been on, but as Garrus had learned while being on Shepard's team, even a perfectly planned operation can go sour in a moment's notice. The turian winced as he thought of the dead Spectre's name, an almost overwhelming sense of sadness washing over him. As long as it had been since her death, it still stung at the turian like an open wound reminding him of the times had on the Normandy..._

_Garrus shook himself out of his melancholic nostalgia as he arrived at the position Sidonis had indicated. He stood, looking at his surroundings and pinpointing potential threats as he always did. He was surprised, though, that Sidonis was nowhere in his sight. Could the turian have been captured? Could there have been issues Garrus hadn't forseen? No, Garrus was thorough with his research, so what had happened?_

_Garrus tried to link to Sidonis' comm, but when there was no answer he quickly commed another on his team. When the link opened, all Garrus could hear was static and gunfire, enough to send Garrus sprinting back to the shuttle station. He yelled where he needed to go to the shuttle driver, but his mind was a complete haze as the shuttle drove._

_Sidonis hadn't been in trouble. He was setting up the base for an ambush._

_The shuttle ride was agonizingly slow, but when it finally arrived Garrus sprinted from the shuttle towards the hideout. He must have pushed over 5 or 6 people in his haste, but when he slid into the alley that led to the door which would let him into the base, he could already hear the yelling and gunshots..._

_KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK. _Garrus jolted up from his nightmare, breathing heavily and feeling hot. He hadn't had a dream like that since he left Omega... He sat up, quickly stretching his shoulders and noticing his shirt had made its way off of his torso at some point in the night. Garrus simply shrugged his shoulders a few more times before standing from the rickety bed, noticing gravity still wasn't agreeing with him yet. As well, the pounding music from one of the other rooms was still persisting (though they had been keen enough to switch songs at some point in the night). Garrus rubbed his forehead with clenched talons as he felt his headache slowly returning to a dull throb.

Garrus finally made his way over to the door, looking through the peep hole and groaned as he saw the distorted form of Shepard looking around anxiously. Garrus knew he wasn't sober enough yet for the kind of talk she would want to have, but he couldn't turn her away. Even if he was still pretty buzzed, he already felt like shit about what happened in the bar, how he had handed her over to those inflamed turians. Turning her away now would probably incite her to shoot down the door and actually beat the shit out of him this time. And that one punch to the jaw she had given him already made him know that he didn't want to experience her strength when she was fully enraged.

Conjuring up courage, Garrus unlocked the door and opened it a crack, looking out of it and down at a relieved but equally furious Shepard. She looked bruised up and hunched over a bit but overall she seemed... okay. _I'll have to make sure I apologize for that..._ After what he had realized was a relatively long and awkward period of silence, he cleared his throat and spoke. "Um...Yes?"

* * *

Shepard crossed her arms, looking at Garrus through the door crack. She could clearly see by the way he was squinting and his body language that he was still quite drunk, but she could have cared less "You had better let me in, Vakarian, or I'll make sure you get two," she pointed to her blackened right eye, "of these." Apparently he was finally starting to understand that she wasn't messing around, and he opened the door the rest of the way, moving to the side and letting Shepard walk in. As he closed the door she took a position leaning against one of the poorly painted walls.

She wasted no time in beginning to speak. "Frankly Vakarian, I'm tired of your insubordination." The way he looked at Shepard told her he was worried, but she kept speaking. "I've treated you as a friend in the past because you were one. You were someone I could trust, someone I could depend on. Hell, I would have trusted you with my life. But now? I'm not sure."

"You're really going to start talking to me like you're my superior?" Garrus blurted out. Shepard noticed that despite his outburst, it seemed like she had struck a chord within him. He moved away from the door, teetering a bit before gaining his footing.

Shepard stood from the wall, furrowing her brow. "Well, apparently contrary to _your_ belief, I _AM_ your superior Garrus!" Garrus instantly shrunk from her, as if rejecting her as she moved closer to him. Inside she was extremely worried something like their first fight could happen again, but knowing it was a possibility, she was handling the situation like she would if she were negotiating with the enemy. "I treated you as an equal because I trusted you Garrus, because I wouldn't have anyone else besides you following me into hell itself, but if you're going to be a fucking ass and jump ship after every argument then I _WILL_ talk to you like you're fucking below me!"

Garrus averted his gaze from hers, crossing his arms. The room was silent until he angrily spoke up. "It's just... Shepard, since when have you become Matriarch of Diplomacy?" Shepard's eyes widened at the name Garrus had spouted at her and she moved back again, leaning against the wall as Garrus hobbled forward, trying to pace the small room. "You used to be all for shooting first and asking questions later... you used to never shy away from a just kill. And the second I get the chance for actually enacting justice on someone who deserved to be killed, someone you agreed to help me get rid of, you stopped me and took the easy way out. Why?"

Everything Garrus had said was on point; Shepard would admit that. She had changed, and it was a conscious change for sure. As she lowered her head, she thought about the way she had handled things before she had been killed, and she knew that she had been quite the ass herself. She was lucky heat sink technology hadn't been in use yet, or she would have been out of shots the second she stepped onto a battle field.

She was brash, just like Garrus had been in killing Sidonis, in so many situations. And if it was two years ago, she could see herself potentially doing the same thing if she had the chance to shoot one of those bastard Cerberus scientists who killed her unit on Akuze. Through all that, though, she still tried to take the time to decide between what was right and wrong. She never killed an innocent. Or someone as pitiable and far-gone from reality as Sidonis.

"Garrus, it's never been about the easy way out. I know I was trigger happy back when we were fighting Saren. I was bitter. I was angry." Shepard paused, taking a step over to the bed and sitting down on it, burying her head in her hands. "But I guess dying changes the way you look at the galaxy." When she didn't hear Garrus say anything for a few moments, she looked up at him, motioning for him to sit down with her and he complied. She put a hand on his arm and looked him in the eyes.

"I know things aren't worked out. I know you're still pissed, and I know you feel like I've betrayed you. I understand. Just... Please Garrus. Come back to the Normandy with me and we can figure this out. I can't afford to lose someone like you."

Garrus kept her gaze, probably in an attempt to probe her for her true intentions, but she was being damn sincere. She had to fight back a tear or two as she pleaded for Garrus to come back with her. Yes, she had said she felt like they weren't friends, but that didn't mean she didn't want to try and fix things. A friendship like the one the two of them shared was worth trying to figure out.

Finally the turian looked down to his knees. "I still maintain what I did was right and just. You can argue with me as much as you want, but that point of view will probably never change for me. Just... give me the night. I'll report to the Normandy at 1300, but just give me what's left of the night... well, morning. Just a little more time off the ship before I come back."

Shepard nodded and moved her hand off of his arm. "We can figure things out then. Slowly." Garrus nodded in agreement, and Shepard stood from the bed, slightly to the door and opening it.

"Oh, and Shepard?" Shepard stopped mid-walk, looking back at Garrus, who ran his hand over his fringe. "Sorry about the black eye and about before and, well... everything else..."

Shepard winced at the mention of her injuries (especially her still throbbing back)but she grinned as she retorted playfully. "Just know that the next time we're training in the sparring room, I'm going to hand your ass to you on a silver platter." She turned and left the room, hearing the door close behind her as she walked through the halls to exit the motel._ Things aren't right yet… but it's a start._


	8. Chapter 8

Two weeks had passed since the night on the Citadel, and mostly Garrus had kept to himself. He hadn't been put on the team for missions in that time either. _"You need to clear your head and think about what we talked about,"_ Shepard had said, and Garrus figured he owed her to accept her judgment without question. He needed time to catch up on the ship calibrations, anyways, and that gave him the perfect opportunity. So he stood over the control panel, checking algorithms and making sure all of the ship's functions were in perfect working order.

But Shepard always knew what she was doing. Of course Garrus thought about their fight and all that had transpired between them over the past few weeks, and ultimately he felt terrible about what he had put her through. He knew that she had more than enough on her plate for the time being and didn't deserve to be treated the way he had treated her. He had even begun to consider the whole conflict with Sidonis...

Sidonis. Garrus had pinned the turian as the root of all of the problems that Garrus had now, but part of Garrus told him that this couldn't be true. Because Garrus still felt angry, and, while he still felt that justice had been served, he still missed his team, almost more so than before.

But why?

_Nestled in the corner of a small, shady bar on Omega, Garrus and ten of his eleven men sat around a large table that was scattered with drinks and assorted snacks. They were celebrating as they had just succeeded in taking out one of the larger cells of Blood pack mercenaries, including their leader. The group was roaring with laughter as those in the circle went around, telling stories about their lives before the squad Garrus had set up. Garrus sat back smiling as one of his crew told the story of how she had been approached by Garrus._

"_So there I was, standing there with a stripper's outfit on, blood everywhere, and this guy," the woman pointed over to Garrus, "this guy has the cahones to come up to me and not only compliment me, but make a pitch for me to join the team!" The woman tossed back her head as she laughed with the others, her long brunette hair moving about her shoulders. Garrus would never tell her, but he had actually picked her because she had reminded him so much of Shepard... It was strange to have someone who seemed to be a clone of his old commander in his crew, but it was also, in a way, comforting. _

"_Garrus, what are you doing just sitting there?" Garrus's eyes quickly shot over to who the voice belonged to, seeing that it was the missing member of his team, Sidonis, who was holding a platter of drinks. The turian set the platter down, averting his attention to everyone else. "Sorry I was late everyone; had a bit of a hold up, so I bought the next round of drinks."_

_Sounds of approval coursed through the group as they each grabbed a drink before going back to their stories. Sidonis sat down in the empty seat next to Garrus, nodding to Garrus's nearly full ale glass. "You've barely touched it. Something on your mind?"_

_Garrus's mandibles clicked before he shook his head. "Just thinking about things past; nothing to worry about."_

_A moment of silence passed between the two turians. Garrus had told Sidonis about his time with Shepard and how abruptly it came to an end; Sidonis had helped Garrus through some of the worst of his mourning after Shepard's death._

_But for now, Sidonis simply slapped Garrus's back in a show of camaraderie. "Well, you better finish your first glass soon, otherwise I'm going to have to drink the ale I brought for you and for me. And believe me, it's way too much for just one turian to handle." Garrus chuckled, grabbing his glass and holding it up in front of him. He called for the team to quiet down._

"_You guys were outstanding out there today. I don't think I've ever worked with a better group of men and women." Except for once Garrus added in his head but simply paused in his speech. "So cheers, men. You've earned it."_

_The whole crew picked up their glasses with a roar of approval. Glasses clinked and ale sloshed out of glasses before all were drinking as if testing to find the bottom of the glass. Another round was quickly served up as the team continued their celebration._

Garrus sighed as he opened his eyes, taking his hands off of the panels. Sidonis hadn't been a bad person. Maybe Shepard had been right... maybe Garrus shouldn't have shot Sidonis, should have given the turian a second chance...

But then he remembered his team not as they were before, but as they were now: dead, lifeless. Some had even left families behind. _No. You knew exactly what you were doing, Vakaria_n, Garrus thought as he finally let his hands start to move over the keyboard, beginning to analyze algorithms again_. He's dead. Your men are avenged. Don't start second-guessing yourself because Shepard got involved._

* * *

Shepard groaned as hauled herself back onto the ship after having been out on a mission for Jacob. He had received word on his MIA father, and after having (mostly) resolved their issues, Jacob finally was able to put his lingering past behind him and put his focus solely on the mission that lay ahead of them. And while Shepard was more than happy that she had been able to help out one of her crew, she was beginning to wonder if all of them would ever be able to get through their own respective issues and focus on the task ahead.

After riding the elevator up to her suite, Shepard quickly stripped out of her armor and took a shower, removing the grime and sweat that she had accumulated on her body throughout the course of the mission. The warm water soothed her as she stood beneath the stream, and she ran her hands through her hair, untangling the knots that her helmet had tied into her hair.

Once she deemed that she was adequately cleaned, she turned off the warm stream, her body instantly met by the cold air around her. As she looked around for a towel to cover herself with, she found none, so after sticking her head out of the bathroom and surveying her room as if someone would be there beside herself, she made a dash for her closet. She quickly grabbed a towel from the top shelf, wrapping it around her body after drying her hair.

Just as she was about to move back to the bathroom to brush her hair, however, a knock sounded from the other side of the door. _Always when I'm just out of the shower,_ she thought as she called out. "Who is it?"

"It is I, siha," Thane's raspy voice sounded from the other side of the door. Shepard thought for a few seconds on whether or not he truly needed her at that moment, but decided that as long as she wasn't naked she didn't care. "Come in Thane."

The door promptly slid open as Shepard walked over to her desk. She heard his approaching footsteps behind her and also how quickly they stopped when she was in sight of him. "I am so sorry, siha, did I interrupt?"

Shepard looked back at the drell, who stood straight and stiff as always, though she could see he was averting his eyes from her much more than usual. She simply smiled. "Don't worry about it, Thane," she said as she sat down in her desk chair. "What was it you needed?"

Thane looked back to her, his eyes firmly locked with hers. "I wanted to let you know I received word that my son, Kolyat, has begun working with Citadel security. We may not be truly father and son again yet, but I wanted to thank you for helping me to have him in my life again."

Shepard smiled. "It was the least I could do for you, Thane."

Thane turned away from her. "That is not the reason I am here, though. It has to do with you and Officer Vakarian." Shepard's smile instantly faded, her face instead filling with concern, but Thane continued speaking. "I have noticed that it seems Officer Vakarian has barely been spotted outside of his quarters," Thane said as he presumably watched the fish in the Shepard's fish tank swim aimlessly about. "However, there has been another who has been spotted outside of his quarters quite a bit." Thane turned his head, looking over his shoulder at Shepard. "Why haven't you spoken to him yet siha?"

Shepard held her towel closer to her and blushed. "I... I guess I don't really know what to say to him. I mean, he..."

"...He hurt you, did he not, siha?" Shepard nodded; Thane had finished her thought for her, as if sensing what she wanted to say but couldn't. She looked down, brow furrowed in thought as she tried to figure out what to say.

"We used to be so close, Thane," Shepard started slowly, her lips carefully probing over her every word. "I counted on him for everything. I took him on every mission when we were tracking Saren... I depended on him to watch my back. I've told him things that I've never told anyone ... but then not only do we fight but he... he..." Shepard stopped as her eyes flitted to the area where their argument had gotten rough, her chest growing unbelievably heavy. She tightened her lips and stood from her chair, turning away from Thane and closing her eyes.

It wasn't that she was scared of the physicality. Hell, hand-to-hand combat was usually one of her top skills, and in any other situation she would have been ready to fight back. But when Garrus had grabbed her like that... For her it was the fact that Garrus was the one who was grabbing her, that it was Garrus who was the one that was hurting her that scared the life out of her. When Garrus had been angrily breathing down her neck she finally understood why some people could be so scared of turians.

Shepard felt a cool scaly hand touch her shoulder, but she neither jumped nor turned to look at him. "I'm scared..." Shepard closed her eyes, hanging her head. "He's changed so much since our mission to stop Saren, just as I have, but I don't want to lose him like I've lost many of the old crew." She grew silent and brought her hand to her forehead, her eyes beginning to tear. She felt Thane's hand twitch. She turned, and Thane let his hand fall from her shoulder. "I'm sorry, Thane, I've made you uncomfortable. You came to tell me about Kolyat and I just started spilling out my feelings." She weakly laughed. "What a tough commander I am, huh? I-I'll let you go."

Thane smiled sadly at Shepard. "You need not worry about me, siha." He folded his hands in front of him and looked her in the eyes. "Emotions are what make a person strong." After pausing for a moment, Thane If you don't want to lose him then you must find your words quickly. You may need him, Shepard, but he needs you as well, more than you might realize."

Thane closed his eyes, giving a polite bow. "I will take my leave now," Thane turned, walking towards the door. "Remember what I've said, siha."

The door swiftly slid open and closed, but Shepard couldn't find it in herself to move. Thane was right, but he had ended up leaving her feeling more conflicted than before. She ran her hands through her knotty hair, beginning to feel uncomfortable again as she stared across the room, replaying the events of her and Garrus's fight over two weeks ago. She sighed, shaking her head as she turned to enter the bathroom and comb her hair. She would have to talk to him, but she didn't want to quite yet. She wasn't sure she was ready.

* * *

_Garrus quickly entered the access code, causing the door that led to the base to slide open quickly. Running trough it towards the main area, Garrus reached over his back to grab his battle rifle. Gunfire was prominent, and yelling could be heard over all of the shooting. Garrus upped his run to a full-out sprint as he went down the winding hallways that led to the main area._

_As he grew closer, however, the shooting began to die down, the yelling following quickly after. After a few more seconds Garrus finally reached the main room but halted almost instantly at what he saw. His men were all dead, two even still in their cots as if they had never woken to the attack. However, in the middle of the room was a Blood Pack mercenary, clothed in battle armor and blood. Held tightly to the Krogan's chest with a gun to her head, however, was the last of Garrus's squad mates, Melanis. Normally a confident and vivacious woman, she looked terrified in her disarmed and bloodied state. Garrus's chest instantly tightened at the sight of her.._

_The mercenary grinned. "Aw, you've ruined all the fun... I'd always heard humans were more fun to play with than asari and thought I'd finally get the chance to try..."_

_Garrus gritted his teeth. "Let her go and I won't have to kill you."_

_The mercenary roared with laughter, pushing the barrel of his hand cannon into Melanis's temple, causing her to whimper. "You think you really have the high ground here, turian? Look around you! Your filthy team of vigilantes is dead, and you worry about this girl?" He looked down to Melanis with a sick grin on his lips._

_A gunshot sounded, and the next thing Garrus remembered was placing his entire clip in his battle rifle into the krogan's head. Now covered in krogan blood, Garrus rushed over to Melanis's body. He dropped to his knees, simply staring at his fallen comrade. Despite the gore, he looked her directly in the eyes, and he couldn't help but see the expression of shock, pleading, disappointment… _

Garrus gasped as he woke up, realizing he was still on the Normandy. He brought his hand to his brow, his eyes closing for a moment as images from his recurring nightmare rushed through his mind. The most prominent, however, was always Melanis's lifeless expression, always staring at him, never seeming to want to leave him be. That image was burned in Garrus's mind, not only serving as constant reminder of the wonderful team of men he had lost, but also reminding him of so much more...

Garrus swung his legs over the side of his cot, staring at the floor for a few moments before standing and looking at the clock. _ 0300 hours…_ He sighed, stretching and realizing he wouldn't be going back to bed for the night; after checking the ship's calibration records Garrus exited the battery core, walking the short path to the mess hall. He quickly went to the fridge and grabbed the lone, large bottle of turian ale that he had requested from Gardner and walked over one of the empty tables, opening the bottle and drinking directly from it.

Garrus tried to keep his mind from going back to the inevitable, but he couldn't help but think about that night. Seeing his team dead, realizing it had been Sidonis who had betrayed them all, believing he would live the last of his days as a lone vigilante with his purpose seemingly stripped from him... Garrus knew his life as Archangel wasn't how he had ever wanted it, especially at what he had believed to be his end. Despite his tendency to stick to himself outside of mission time, he actually didn't mind being around other people, especially after joining Shepard the first time. She had helped him open up, to get his mind off of the task at hand and just talk about himself.

_But that was what got you in trouble in the first place..._ Garrus sighed as he told himself the same old line he always recited to himself when he thought about his old friends. _You got too attached to your team, and when you lost them, it hurt you ten times harder than it should have._ He took another swig of his ale, wishing there was some way to just forget about the pain he felt, the hate he had for his former friend. He wanted to go back to the times of celebration in the bar after a successful mission, the late night recollections of past missions and teams they had worked on. Garrus wanted to remember Erash's snarky smile right after he had taken down a whole team of krogan with just a shotgun and a prayer, not his dead body mangled and strewn across the floor. He wanted to remember Weaver's crass jokes, not his blood pooling underneath him.

But most of all, and even Garrus couldn't deny it, he wanted to forget completely about Melanis. She haunted Garrus the most of his team, even more than Sidonis. It was her resemblance to Shepard, not only in looks, but in values, character, hell, even the fact that her parents were in the Alliance Navy. Garrus couldn't help but feel when he had lost her, he had lost the only link to Shepard he thought he had left.

After the Normandy's crew had been split up, Garrus tried to begin training to become a Spectre, per to Shepard's suggestion back when they were fighting Saren. It had helped him to remember her and to feel like she might still be thinking about him. Every now and then she would send him mail, but he could never send any back, her link having blocked receiving messages from him and the other alien members of the crew thanks to the Alliance. Not to mention he was becoming more and more frustrated with the bureaucracy on the Citadel.

But when he heard of Shepard's dead, everything changed. They called her a hero, but denied the Reapers were a threat, hell, that they even existed. Garrus cracked, quitting his training program and leaving the Citadel, Not long after he became a vigilante, deciding he was going to take the law into his own hands and fix it where it failed. He knew he couldn't do it alone, though, so he started seeking out people like him, who had been essentially betrayed by the law and wanted to fight back.

When Garrus found Melanis, it was as if the spirits had somehow brought her to him and had convinced her to join his makeshift team to serve as something of a stand-in for one of the only humans Garrus had come to truly respect. He grew close to her, trying to learn everything about her. But the spirits had just as easily snatched Melanis away from him, and with that final shot to the head the spirits and that krogan had taken from Garrus the only living memory of Shepard he had left.

Garrus drank deeply from the bottle of ale, wiping his mouth as he realized the bottle was almost gone. He stared at the last bit of ale left in the bottle, realizing how much he had missed Shepard when she was gone: her way of smiling after making one of those human jokes, her perseverance on the battlefield, her strange human habits that didn't seem right if anyone but her was doing them. Even though he still had some issues with it now, her new way of doing things was slowly beginning to grow on him. She was definitely much calmer now, and was more understanding, especially about all of the personal missions members of the team wanted to take. It was almost as if Shepard was unintentionally challenging everyone to think about how their decisions can affect other, to remember how close to death even the best can come, and how even the strongest can die with a blink of an eye. _Thinking of it that way, it's no wonder she thinks before she shoots now,_ Garrus thought. _She was given a second chance, so she's giving others the same benefit..._

Garrus slammed the bottle down on the table, the loud noise echoing through the empty hall. "She's too important damnit, and I haven't even seen her in days." He immediately stood from the table and abandoned his now empty bottle of ale as he marched over to the elevator and entered it, pressing the button that would take him to Shepard's private quarters. He was resolved to let her know how important she was to him, how much she had changed him. Shepard had formed him into a different turian. Maybe they still didn't see eye-to-eye on things, but he respected her, hell, trusted her with his life! He had to tell her how thankful he was, and he had to tell her now!

Garrus realized in all this that he had actually disembarked from the elevator and now was staring at the commander's door, unable to bring himself to knock. _ I'm drunk aren't I? _He sighed, shaking his head before turning on his heel and heading to the elevator. However, before he could enter the elevator to go back to his deck, he heard the door open behind him.

"Garrus?"


	9. Chapter 9

_Hello old and new readers alike! Sorry the updates for this story are so spotty. I won't promise they'll become any more frequent, but I will say that no matter how long it takes, I will make sure those of you who are still reading will get the full story as I imagined it._

_Something definitely worth noting; seeing as it has been almost a full year since I posted Chapter 1, I decided to do some editing to the story. Some of it is minor, but a few big things have changed (i.e. fight in chapter 3, length of time Garrus and Shep don't speak in chapter 8, omission of Kaiden reference in an earlier chapter, etc.). I'd love if you went back and reread the edits, but you should be able to get along fine without them if you don't._

_Again, thank you for reading! I greatly appreciate your comments and would love to keep on hearing from you. It definitely lets me know you guys are digging it! Now enjoy!  
_

_-raconteurr_

* * *

Leaning out of the door to her quarters, Shepard groggily looked to where Garrus now stood in front of the elevator as if her saying his name had somehow frozen him. She was tired but was busy working on paperwork and mission reports. While she wasn't technically required to do them anymore, it was her way of keeping track of what she had done and where she had been, just in case she did have to answer to someone one of these days.

Shepard noted that Garrus was wearing what she assumed were some sort of night clothes, though if Shepard was to be believed Garrus never took off his armor. As he finally turned around, Shepard could tell he had not only been having trouble sleeping but was also intoxicated. Shepard sighed, but before she could say anything Garrus immediately jumped to speak.

"Shepard... Didn't mean to wake you." Garrus sounded extremely uncomfortable, though he was trying to sound like his usual nonchalant self. "Didn't realize the time, sorry. I'll just let you get back to... well, sleeping." He shuffled for a moment as he ran his talons over his fringe before trying to turn quickly and enter the elevator.

"Wait!" Shepard said firmly, stopping Garrus dead in his tracks yet again. "I wasn't sleeping, if you can't tell," she motioned down to her t-shirt and cargo pants.

Garrus straightened up awkwardly as he looked back at Shepard over his shoulder. "Well, I mean, you should get some rest then... big day tomorrow."

Shepard raised her eyebrow. "Garrus, tomorrow is a supply run." Garrus dropped his shoulders and sighed as he realized his attempts at lying to get away were failing. She gave a small smile before motioning him toward her. "Come on, you know you came here to talk." Finally, Garrus turned around and walked towards the door, only moving inside once Shepard turned and entered as well. Shepard keyed the doors manually closed and turned off elevator access to her deck from the data pad next to the door before turning to see Garrus awkwardly staring at the fish in the fish tank.

She decided to try and start the conversation lightly. "You know, I didn't think you had any other clothes besides that torn up armor."

Garrus jumped slightly but turned to face her nonetheless. "Well, ah, I normally sleep in my body suit but I had to get it washed." He cleared his throat and straightened up, and Shepard noticed that, unlike usual, he was standing in at a very tight attention, almost like Thane did at times. She frowned as she considered that his actions probably had to do with her yelling and screaming at him about his subordination. Having this conversation in the entrance area she could tell, would not make him feel any more comfortable.

She sighed. "Garrus, follow me." She turned and led him down the steps over to the couch in her bedroom area, taking a seat. Garrus simply stood in front of her, still standing at attention. Again Shepard felt her brow rise. "Garrus, you can sit."

He politely shook his head. "With all due respect, ma'am, I'd rather stand."

Shepard had to keep her jaw from dropping as he called her "ma'am." She hadn't heard anyone seriously call her that since she was back on the original Normandy. She had heard it once or twice from Joker, but it was always jokingly. But here Garrus stood, completely serious as he addressed her as a superior. Was he that bent out of shape over the argument? For God's sake he was drunk and he was still acting like a respectable soldier, almost as if he was trying to impress her or something along those lines.

She leaned back, her right hand instantly coming to her temples and massaging them. She closed her eyes as she spoke. "Garrus, don't be like this. Just sit down and we can talk."

"Be like what Commander?" He maintained his stiff back even now, though Shepard could tell from his voice that he was beginning to get agitated, just as she was. She leaned forward, pushing off of her knees with her hands, and stood, walking over to stand directly in front of Garrus.

She said nothing for a minute, simply looking Garrus dead in the eyes as she tried to probe his expression for clues as to how he was truly feeling. Shepard had always had trouble with figuring out how turians physically emoted. They didn't really have muscles in their faces like humans did, so many subtle hints one could get from a human were completely unobtainable from a turian. What little she could tell, though, was that his overly stiff stance and his averted gaze meant he was either extremely uncomfortable or just plain stubborn as hell.

He didn't move an inch in the time that she looked him over, and it was honestly killing her to have him treating her like this. She couldn't stand it for another moment. "Garrus, come on, talk to me... I haven't seen you at all in two weeks, and you're just standing here staring at the ceiling? What are you thinking?"

After shifting his weight around, Garrus looked down at Shepard. "That I have calibrations that need to be done."

Shepard thought she was going to tear her hair out. "Your god-damn calibrations can wait until you're back on shift!" His head lashed up again, but she quickly grabbed his jaw and forced him to look at her. "Dammit, Garrus, stop looking away from me, stop standing attention like I'm your drill sergeant, and start talking to me!"

* * *

Garrus knew he was getting Shepard angry, so he wasn't surprised when her small fingers grabbed at his face and made him look down at her. He really was sorry for everything that had happened, which was part of the reason why he was acting like this. He stared into her eyes, his vision surprisingly clear as her yelling had made him feel incredibly sober. Garrus saw the anger, but yet again she was showing some other emotion through her eyes that Garrus couldn't read. _I really need to brush up on my human-relations skills..._

Garrus wanted to wait to speak until he found the perfect way to say what he was feeling to her, but unfortunately for him, he felt himself begin to talk. "What do you want me to say Shepard?" Realizing his error, he went with the blurted out question, pushing Shepard's hand off of him as he turned away and paced a few steps before stopping to lean up against the wall. "That I was wrong? That you were right? That I'm sorry?"

"Well," Shepard interjected, "that last one would be a start."

Garrus closed his eyes and sighed, but he complied. "Look Shepard, I can't begin to tell you how sorry I am for what happened..." Garrus tried to continue, but he felt his voice leave him as he thought about all of the hell he had put her through in the matter of a few days. She hadn't done anything to deserve that treatment save for blocking his shot, and now Garrus felt like a damned fool for getting so bent out of frame, as humans put it. Even if it was for Sidonis's death, he shouldn't have shot her. He had betrayed her trust, and there was no taking that back.

Garrus felt a hand touch him on the arm, he looked down and saw Shepard standing there, smiling sadly as she gave him a very light shake and motioned over to the couch. "Sit down and then you can tell me." Garrus couldn't help but follow her to the couch, following her lead as she sat down turned towards him. He felt himself grow extremely nervous; even though he came here to tell her how much she meant to him, how sorry he was for everything, he couldn't find it in him to start talking to her. He ended up staring at her for at least a minute, feeling his mouth part ever few seconds as he tried to start voicing what he was thinking. Finally he let his head drop, ashamed that he couldn't speak.

Obviously aware of his discomfort, Shepard shook her head, moving closer to him on the couch. "Okay, I guess I'll start with what I want to say." Garrus again felt her hand on his jaw, thought this time the touch was much gentler and less forceful as she lifted his gaze to meet hers. "I'm sorry for screaming at you at the motel. You may have been out of line, but I stepped out of line then too. It wasn't fair to you for me to yell like that." Silence over came them again as Shepard finished speaking, her hand leaving his chin and moving to rest on her lap.

Confused, Garrus spoke. "Why are you apologizing? You're the commanding officer. It was insubordination, what I did; you had every right to react that way."

Shepard shook her head. "Maybe on paper I'm a 'Commander,' but you should know me better than that by now. We're getting ready for a suicide mission, Garrus. We may not make it back. I don't want people to boss around; I need people who will work together with me... who will be my friends and support me when the time comes." She smiled at Garrus, whose mandibles clicked as he started to find what he wanted to say. But she hadn't finished her thought quite yet, so he let her continue. "I need to know that you want to be here. I never, ever want you to feel like you have to do anything you don't want to."

"Shepard, I followed you through hell and back when we were fighting Saren and the geth, and I'd do it all over again if I had to... hell, even Noveria." Garrus chuckled. Shepard knew he had hated the planet because of the extreme cold and had even offered to take someone else along for the mission even though he was her first choice. But Garrus did the mission anyways because he knew she depended on him to watch her back when she was in-fighting with their enemies. He knew she appreciated his sarcasm to lighten the mood. Most important, he knew she trusted him. And those facts alone made him want to do anything in the world to protect her.

"Look, Shepard, I didn't leave Omega because I wanted to get away from the mess I had created," Garrus continued. "I wanted to, you know, relive the glory days and actually make a difference in the galaxy..." Garrus looked down at his lap, rubbing the back of his neck. "I tried so hard to make a difference on my own after you were gone... at C-sec, on Omega... I even trained to be a Spectre for a while. But everything just seems to fail in the end for me." Garrus looked up for a moment to see Shepard still looking at him. Was that look happy? Sad? Disappointed? Garrus couldn't tell. A small tear made its way down Shepard's cheek, though, and he instantly became worried. _Great, you made her upset,_ Garrus nervously thought. _Or worse, you've disappointed her and she's going to tell you to get off of the ship the next time we dock._

* * *

Shepard quickly wiped away the lone tear as Garrus paused his explanation about how he had tried to live after she was gone. She wished there had been something she could have done to help him, but of course, those wishes were for naught. All she could do now was try to comfort the hurting turian in front of her, let him know that she was here for him.

But for now, she listened as Garrus began to speak again. "The reason things went so wrong on the Sidonis mission was because I was trying to force them to be right. I was determined to kill Sidonis no matter what. When I saw the chance slipping out of my hands, I panicked." Shepard heard him choke on his last word, and he leaned forward while cradling his head in his long talons.

Shepard gently placed her hand on his back. "I know things went badly. But at least we're both still sitting here."

Garrus shook his head, leaning up slightly and looking over at her. "Shepard, things went more than badly... If I had disobeyed orders like that on a turian ship, if I had so much as bumped into a commanding officer, not to mention..." His voice trailed off, but she knew exactly what he was referencing. The fight they had that only happened a metre or two from where they now sat was one of the scarier things that had happened to her in the past few weeks, but she could tell Garrus regretted it now.

"Shepard," he finished, "any turian commander in their right mind would have thrown me out of the nearest airlock for the things I did to you."

Shepard nodded. "Believe me, Garrus, I know. I won't lie and say that I didn't think about kicking you out..." She had indeed. He didn't just break her physically; he had broken her emotionally as well. Thane and Miranda had seen it, and despite how much she wanted him to be there for her she knew it might not have been an option. But she was past that now. "I already told you the way I want this crew to work, and that's why I have handled this whole mess the way I have."

Garrus put his head back in his hands. "I'm so sorry Shepard, for everything." His voice was strained, and he choked out the words. Shepard wasn't sure if the same things she'd do to comfort her human counterparts would work for him, but Shepard instantly closed the small gap between them anyways and, after putting an arm around his back, laid her head gently on his shoulder as she moved her hand up and down his back to hopefully comfort him.

Garrus jumped, not seeming to expect her touch, but he did not push her away. "I just wanted so badly for things to go right for once. But they just slipped out of my control."

Shepard nodded against his shoulder. "I understand. We both changed so much over the past two years, but we both assumed the other would act like we did during our hunt for Saren. That's why I think things ended up the way they did."

Once Shepard finished speaking the two of them sat in silence for quite some time, with Shepard still half-holding Garrus. It seemed to Shepard that they had both realized what had been wrong. Garrus still seemed upset, but it would probably take a bit more time for the two of them to fully get over their anger. After all, it had taken them almost a whole month to talk after the incident. But they were already getting through it. And she could tell they were already back on the path of being as close as ever.

Maybe it was strange, but there was something about all of this that Shepard liked. Well, not the argument or the conversation they were having, but there was something about having her head on his shoulder that just made her feel more comfortable than she had in a while. At some point in their silent meditation she felt herself close her eyes, her lips curling into a contented smile.

Before she knew it, words softly spilled from her lips. "You're the closest friend I've ever had Garrus... Don't ever leave me, okay?" She was starting to feel groggy, her mind slowly drifting off. She felt him move, though not enough to usurp her from her position on his shoulder. A soft, flanging chuckle sounded from Garrus, and it was as if it reverberated through Shepard's whole self.

"Don't worry, Shepard," Garrus said, though his voice was fading away as he spoke. "I'm here..."

It was somewhat strange, being this close to Garrus. The only times Shepard had even been remotely this close to him were when they would huddled behind cover or patching each other's armor during a mission. Come to think of it, she hadn't been this physically close to anyone in for quite some time. _Being the savior of the galaxy doesn't leave a lot of time to get close to people._

It was nice, though.

Her body growing limp, she slowly moved the arm that hadn't been around Garrus and slipped it under her cheek. She felt her hair fall down in front of her face, but she was too comfortable to care. She could have sworn Garrus said something else as she had felt the same reverberating sensation she felt when he had laughed, but Shepard couldn't make out anything above a soft murmur. Once the reverberations were gone, she could only hear the hum of the fish tank as she fell asleep.


End file.
